Father, I am overwhelmed.
This is not the first time You have heard these words come out of my mouth, or seen them pecked out by anxious fingers. You’ve read them plastered across my unquiet mind before I even realize they’re there.
I am often overwhelmed.
This time, though, it’s a quiet buzz. An undercurrent. A sense of pressure, and yet a simultaneous settling peace. A recognition of much to be done; a feeling of uncertainty as to which direction to turn, which topic to tackle first–and yet a realization that it’s okay to sit still right now. Bills will always need to be paid. There are facebook challenge groups and “How to Make Money Blogging” workshops and interpreting videos all vying for my attention. Which do I pick? What makes the most sense? What is the most necessary? What is the one thing or one formula that is going to help me succeed in whatever it is I’m supposed to be doing?
I check my notifications. Someone has posted in the blogging challenge group I’ve joined on facebook. I am late to the game, and need to get caught up. But it’s 11pm and I have to be at work at 7 in the morning. When am I going to have time to get caught up? Am I going to get caught up? I ask myself. But am I even supposed to be doing this right now? Aren’t I supposed to be focusing my time and energy on preparing to become an interpreter? Where does this fit in to that? Does it? Can I both write and interpret? Must I choose one over the other? How can I fully do justice to both?
I don’t have the time or energy to do all that I want to or think that I should. I become painfully aware once again of my humanity, my fragility, my finiteness. And I remember that I am not the only one strapped for time. My mom friends hardly have time to themselves at all. Others are chasing dreams of their own, or living out their callings and serving in ministries. And we are all only given 24 hours in a day, 7 days in a week, 52 weeks in a year. The time flies by. How is it almost May already? we ask ourselves. As much as we might accomplish in any given hour, day, or week, aren’t we all still left with laundry unfolded, tasks unfinished, dreams unrealized?
And then there is You, outside of time. Unconfined by a work schedule, and a bedtime, and a body that only lets You be in one place at once. You are not disappointed in my inability to be all things to all people in all places at all times. You have not called me to do All the Things Right Now. It is enough that I am faithful. It is enough that I am a diligent steward of the time and energy and resources and gifts that You have entrusted to me. It is enough that I will never actually be enough, and You will always be more than enough.
I remember this. And I am overwhelmed. But it’s not because of my to-do list. It’s because no matter how long it gets, no matter how many things are left unfinished, I can never exhaust your strength, mercy, love.
I am overwhelmingly at peace.