I spoke of tears of trust. And there was a time of true trust, of hands raised in praise—not balled into fists and thrust at the sky in anger, in distrust.
And then distress of a different kind came, and I allowed it to usher in the distrust. Those fingers once spread wide in worship, held up to the One who held my world, curled inward and shook upward at the One who still held it all. Tears cam again, but not of trust; rather, like that of a two-year-old throwing a temper tantrum. I let disbelief settle in—disbelief that He still had my best interest at heart. He had guided and led, but I was still responsible for the choices I made that brought me to the place I was, and still I audaciously accused, “How could You? How could You let this happen? Again? How could You leave me here all alone?”
But I’m not alone. I never was. And sometimes we have to feel a little lonely to learn we’re never really alone.
In my loneliness, He reminds me: He is here. Always. I am held. Always.
Slowly, the fingers are unfurling. Sometimes they find themselves starting to curl inward again. I constantly face the choice to release the fists and lay these hands open, palms up, ready to receive whatever He gives—or to use them to offer up what He requires. In surrender. In sacrifice. Oh, it’s painful sometimes. My heart and flesh so long sometimes to hold onto what I think will satisfy. But I’m finding it’s always only Him: “My soul yearns, even faints, for the courts of the LORD; my heart and flesh cry out for the living God.” Psalm 84:2, NIV. And the more I open up to Him, offer to Him, receive of Him, the more I want to. Because once again I have tasted and seen that the Lord is good (Psalm 34:8), and He satisfies like nothing else will.
I’m learning to catch myself when I start to take my fill of other things I’m tempted to think will satisfy me. And when I fail and fall, He’s right there to catch me and say, “Remember, I’m here. And I’m the One you really want.”
I’m learning to crave God. And I’m finding that I’m satisfied by Him and yet craving Him all the more, all at the same time. Only He can do that. Only He can fully fill me and leave me hungering after more, only to keep filling. His supply never ceases. The ice cream carton empties, and at the end of the day when there are no eyes on me, the well of approval dries up again. Not so with God. He dotes on me and delights in me and lavishes His love on me, His chosen child (1 John 3:1).
The same is true for each and every one of His children.
If You’ve trusted in His Son, then child of God, you are loved by Him. Maybe you’re like me and have struggled with believing that. Let it sink in. Let Him love on you. Let Him fill you and replace your hunger for lesser things.
Oh, taste and see that He is good.