Why are you cast down, O my soul,

and why are you in turmoil within me?

Hope in God; for I shall again praise him,

my salvation and my God.
Psalm 42:5-6

God, my heart is heavy. I knew I wasn’t handling this rightly, but I thought I was doing okay. I was at least trying. And I was so convinced that whatever happens, I’m content with what you have for me because I know it’s the best, and I want Your best, and I want to please You. But I guess I was wrong. My response right now clearly demonstrates that I was holding on tighter than I thought to what I wanted. And the idea of not getting that right now hurts so bad. And I thought I was doing so well. I thought I was in such a better place than I was two years ago, and that things were so much better, because I wasn’t so distraught over the idea of not getting what I wanted. But I am. God, stupid expectations. I know they’re bad. I know they hurt me when things don’t end up going the way I expect. But God, I keep building them up, often without even realizing it. This battle in my mind is exhausting and sometimes I just want to give up, but I know that I can’t. I know that prayer is my only defense against this, because the moment I stop praying is the moment my mind wanders places it wants to go but knows it’s not supposed to.

God, why am I still crying? I know crying isn’t going to change things. I know it doesn’t work that way. “If I want it bad enough, it’ll happen, right?” No. That’s not the way life works. And I know that if I keep thinking this way I’ll convince myself that it’s what You want, just like I did before. But it’s different this time. I can convince myself all I want, but I can’t do anything about it this time. It’s a closed door. And this time, it’s obvious to me that it’s closed. And I can’t do anything to open it, but I want You to so bad.

God, You are so good. You give me peace. I find comfort in knowing that if You’re withholding something from me, it’s for my good. Help me to strive to honor and glorify You in this situation, to consider You worthy, because You are. Thank You, Father. I love you.

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